Useless Ass Blog

If you own a chimp, then you know how annoying they can be. Grrrr!!! But don’t just get mad, get even! Today we’re discussing the 5 best ways to get revenge on a chimpanzee.

1. Take and Distribute Pictures of His Ass

Chimps are extremely self-conscious when it comes to their asses. And with good reason. So take advantage, by snapping some choice pics and posting them around the neighborhood. A Polaroid camera has the added benefit of being loud and scary sounding. Read the rest of this article »

Down in the dumps? Then take some drastic action to change your mood today… by stealing yourself a PUPPY!!!!  Hooray!!!!!!

Adopt a Native American Land Ownership Philosophy Towards Puppies

Puppies, much like land, really belong to everyone. That is why if you see someone on the street with a puppy, you are allowed to hold them up for as long as you want in order to pet it. Because it’s yours. And mine. And EVERYONE’S!! Except for the poop part. That part is just yours. Read the rest of this article »

Tired of that same old ham and cheese? Then why not tuck into something different and historical! These quick tips will have you making mincemeat out of your boring lunch routine… AND out of rancid meat and dried fruit by-products!! Read the rest of this article »

You won’t always know when a wild animal will turn on you, but there are certain things you can do during the first moments of an attack to give yourself a better chance of coming out on top.

Today we’re discussing Monarch butterflies specifically, but the principals outlined below can (and should) be used against almost any animal. Read the rest of this article »

People have been getting caught m-bating since the caveman/When Jesus Was First Born days.  There isn’t a universal solution for dealing with it, but we’ve assembled some tried and true, battle-tested steps into an impromptu guide for getting you from pants down to pants up.

Read the rest of this article »