Friends are good to take with you to Canada. But they are are also lazy and might forget or not apply for their passports. Don’t let that stop the fun! Get your passportless friends into Canada with these GREAT tips!
Hide Them in Your Trunk
This is old school but it still works. Insist that they get in the trunk at the beginning of your trip to avoid suspicion, even if you’re many hours/days from the border.
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Blanket fashions have quickly spiraled out of control and many girls now refuse to leave their homes without one. Help someone you care about to break the habit with these AMAZING tips!
Show Up Wearing a Sleeping Bag
Girls who wear blankets are often blind to how ridiculous it looks. Push their blanket fashion sense to the breaking point by showing up wrapped in a Coleman - “It’s a little bulky, but it’s dressy casual. And I’m DEFINITELY not cold. I mean not even a little bit.”
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Nope, that is not a type-o. If you’re eating beef that ISN’T genetically modified, then the California beef scare should give you a lot to worry about.
First Line of Defense
Cows are our first line of defense against the sub-standard beef farm conditions that can endanger our health. They’re our black and white and brown mooing soldiers on the ground that we rely on as a check against farming greed and cruelty. So we need cows that our STRONG and TOUGH and aren’t going to get pushed around.
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Tight on luggage space? Worried about what you can and cannot bring onboard? Get rid of the hassle and hide some of your stuff in your ass!
It’s not just for drug mules and it’s easier than you think! Here’s a STARTER LIST of good things to carry onboard… IN YOUR ASS!!
1. Cheez-Its
Uh… DUH! These… are… AWESOME! PLUS, it’s pretty obvious why you would want to hide Cheez-Its in your ass, so if you do get caught, it will only take a very brief explanation to get them to understand what you’re doing - “OHHH, Cheez-Its in your ass, okay. We get it. Carry on.”
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If you’re like us, you’re always having to apologize for stuff. But saying “I’m sorry” is boring and just won’t cut it for many situations. Here are 7 FRESH and EFFECTIVE alternatives to saying “I’M SORRY”!
1. “I’m glad.”
This may seem confrontational, but telling someone you’re glad they’re upset is actually very caring. You’re saying “I’m glad that you care enough to get angry” and “I’m glad you’re getting to experience anger and sadness which are important human emotions”.
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Everyone knows that Steak-umms are delicious. BUT did you also know that they are DURABLE and SHINGLE-SHAPED!!! Well… they are! So c’mon! Let’s make your neighbors jealous and hungry with a KICK-ASS, durable Steak-umms roof!!
1. Preliminary Step: Understanding the Name
Learning the origins of Steak-umms is important and respectful. Steak-umms were named after a brief conversation between their inventor and the first person who tried them:
Steak-umms Inventor: “Are you getting any steak flavors?”
Food Tester: “Steak? Um…. no, I’m getting cardboard and licorice. No, wait, just cardboard. And nausea, a lot of nausea.”
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Terrified of Whiteboard Guy BUT jealous of the wicked sweet whiteboard skills he displays? Well what if you could LEARN the keys to stunning dry-erase marker diagrams without getting too creeped out?
Well you could… if you read Useless Ass Blog. It’s not just Diagramming Like the Creepy UPS Whiteboard Guy. It’s Diagramming Like the Creepy UPS Whiteboard Guy with Useless Ass Blog!
1. Make Your Appearance As Sexually Ambiguous As Possible
If you think it’s a coincidence that UPS chose a he-she for their global spokesperson, you’re wrong. People are much more likely to be amazed by your dry-erase skills if they are also amazed at how difficult it is to tell if you’re a guy or a girl.
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Going to the dentist can be boring and expensive. Crank up the fun factor with these GREAT TIPS!!!
1. Request Laughing Gas. Frequently.
Laughing gas is the chips and salsa of the dental office. Refills are technically free, but you have to stay on their case and ignore the dirty looks in order to get your fill. Start asking for gas when you first check in with the receptionist - “Hi I have an appointment today and I would like some gas please while I’m waiting.”
And if the receptionist is like “We don’t usually give people gas while they’re waiting”, then you should reply “Well I don’t usually tolerate lip from someone who went to trade school, so I guess we’re both growing. Now get me the gas.” Read the rest of this article »
Is someone giving you the run around? Want to find out what they’re doing RIGHT NOW?! Don’t make it complicated… track them down with a mountain lion!!! What better way to let Mr. or Ms. Busy know that they’re being rude than to track them to a coffee shop using a large predator! Sweet!
1. Preliminary Step: Store Your Friends’ (and Casual Acquaintances’) Blood
Make a habit of archiving the blood of everyone you know/meet in case you need to find them. This will improve your cougar’s tracking ability tremendously. If someone is being an ass and doesn’t want to give it to you, just be like “well, I won’t be able to find you with a mountain lion if I don’t get it, so… I need it.” And then stab them in the neck or forehead with a needle. Read the rest of this article »
Man, this is a really tough one. Listening to someone cry can be soooooo BORING!! How can you possibly stay alert and engaged!?! Today we’ll outline some basic strategies to turn that yawn into brawn!!!
1. Make it Fun For You
Give yourself a task that is both challenging and fun, like seeing how hard you can pet the crier on the head before they object. Start out gently, but gradually increase the tempo until you’re moving their head significantly. If you’re a real pro, see if you can add your other hand in before they move away or attack you. Read the rest of this article »
