Useless Ass Blog

Man, this is a really tough one. Listening to someone cry can be soooooo BORING!! How can you possibly stay alert and engaged!?! Today we’ll outline some basic strategies to turn that yawn into brawn!!!

1. Make it Fun For You

Give yourself a task that is both challenging and fun, like seeing how hard you can pet the crier on the head before they object. Start out gently, but gradually increase the tempo until you’re moving their head significantly. If you’re a real pro, see if you can add your other hand in before they move away or attack you. Read the rest of this article »

If you own a chimp, then you know how annoying they can be. Grrrr!!! But don’t just get mad, get even! Today we’re discussing the 5 best ways to get revenge on a chimpanzee.

1. Take and Distribute Pictures of His Ass

Chimps are extremely self-conscious when it comes to their asses. And with good reason. So take advantage, by snapping some choice pics and posting them around the neighborhood. A Polaroid camera has the added benefit of being loud and scary sounding. Read the rest of this article »

You won’t always know when a wild animal will turn on you, but there are certain things you can do during the first moments of an attack to give yourself a better chance of coming out on top.

Today we’re discussing Monarch butterflies specifically, but the principals outlined below can (and should) be used against almost any animal. Read the rest of this article »

People have been getting caught m-bating since the caveman/When Jesus Was First Born days.  There isn’t a universal solution for dealing with it, but we’ve assembled some tried and true, battle-tested steps into an impromptu guide for getting you from pants down to pants up.

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