18 Jun, 2008
If you didn’t catch this, the 2nd most incredibly titled news article EVER (keep reading for numero uno… fo reals, it’s that good), then you should read it, and read it good.
Evidently, Dr. “To Hell With The Consequences, I’m Putting Robot Arms On a Monkey” at the University of Pittsburgh thought it would be a good idea… TO START PUTTING ROBOT ARMS ON MONKEYS!! And has thus set in motion a chain of events that will very likely destroy our civilization. At least, those were my take-aways.
So if you’ve wronged a monkey recently, it might be a good idea to have a good old-fashioned apology letter handy. Here’s a sample to help get you started.
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23 Apr, 2008
If you’re strapped for cash or time, then dog grooming can find it’s way to the end of your errand list. Here are 3 totally painless and SUPER effective ways to get it done!
1. Use Febreeze
Febreeze is like a “Mexican Shower” for your furniture, so if your dog has dark colored fur and/or is sometimes used as an ottoman, then this is a great alternative to full-on bathings. If you’re fresh out of Febreeze, try giving your dog a quick rub-down with some dryer sheets like Bounce or try sprinkling him/her with a few packets of Splenda. Splenda doesn’t have any scent, but your dog will appreciate the sweetness, which will result in more frequent self-groomings.
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16 Apr, 2008
Some dating mistakes are impossible to recover from, especially for guys. Gentlemen, here are some ROCK SOLID tips on what to avoid doing on a date and the absolute best ways to do it.
1. Forgetting to Bring a Corsage
Your date may not say it, but she will be disappointed if you don’t bring her a corsage. If you forget, try and rig a corsage out of items on the floor of your car. With the right skills and an unwrapped Jolly Rancher, a dirty penny and a soccer sock, she will probably not be able to tell the difference.
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9 Apr, 2008
Looking for some SUPER useful insider tips for getting WAAAY more out of your next warehouse club trip? Read on!
Inquire About the Trampoline
The trampoline is by far the COOLEST and most important thing you can buy at a warehouse club, so create buzz for yourself by loudly announcing that you want to purchase one - “I need someone to retrieve the trampoline from the wall please. Yep, thinking about buying the trampoline today.”
Demonstrate that you’re a serious buyer by asking “in the know” trampoline questions - “Is ‘vigorous’ a word that describes the level of boob jiggling experienced by girls who use this particular model? What amount of air should a bear expect to get if it falls onto it from a tree? Additionally, what are my chances for setting a world record if I use this model on a Japanese game show?”
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1 Apr, 2008
If you have an LOLdong (a dong that is small or otherwise hilarious), it can make you feel ashamed or unable to succeed in business. Here are some things you can do to help yourself feel better and to help compensate.
1. Add A Caption
Like with LOLcats, adding a caption to your LOLdong in the form of a sign or a note is a good way to embrace it and turn it into a positive that makes people smile - “HIDIN’, IZ DOIN IT”, “I IZ TINY BUT BOOTIFUL” or “OH HAI, I IZ IMPRESSD U FOUN MEEZ.”
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25 Mar, 2008
Cheetos (a.k.a. Cheezies, Tasties, Wotsits) can be used to resolve a wide variety of tough situations, like getting revenge on an a-hole at the laundromat or dealing with snoring fat guys on an airplane. But be careful. You can become overconfident in your Cheetos conflict resolution skills. Here are some scenarios that require more creative Cheetos solutions.
Assisting Someone Who is Choking on Cheetos
It can be very difficult to help someone who is choking on Cheetos with… Cheetos. But don’t get discouraged! Try holding a Cheeto in each hand and waving them like airline runway personnel to signal for help. You can also crunch them loudly which will draw attention.
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18 Mar, 2008
Dating can be expensive. People who survive and thrive in a recession are those who learn to adapt and minimize costs. Here are some great ways to cut the costs of dating without cheapening the experience for your date.
1. Set an Inexpensive Tone
You can set an inexpensive tone for your date through your dress and through your attitude. Sweatpants and no shirt will signal that you’re feeling thrifty. If that’s too casual, then throw on a bow tie or your most formal pair of Crocs.
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10 Mar, 2008
Nowadays, girls are very protective of their asses which can be annoying. If it’s your girlfriend who’s being protective, you may become frustrated and want to shortcut the process by just going for it. This is understandable but will make some girls mad. Here are some things you can say that can help make your girlfriend less mad.
1. “I’m sorry we had a misunderstanding. Both of us should commit to communicating better.”
When a girl gets mad due to ass sex, it’s usually the result of a misunderstanding or a general confusion about each other’s personal goals. This is a courteous way to remind her that both people are to blame when a miscommunication occurs. You are acknowledging this shared responsibility and laying out a roadmap to get your relationship back on track.
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23 Feb, 2008
Tight on luggage space? Worried about what you can and cannot bring onboard? Get rid of the hassle and hide some of your stuff in your ass!
It’s not just for drug mules and it’s easier than you think! Here’s a STARTER LIST of good things to carry onboard… IN YOUR ASS!!
1. Cheez-Its
Uh… DUH! These… are… AWESOME! PLUS, it’s pretty obvious why you would want to hide Cheez-Its in your ass, so if you do get caught, it will only take a very brief explanation to get them to understand what you’re doing - “OHHH, Cheez-Its in your ass, okay. We get it. Carry on.”
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21 Jan, 2008
Is someone giving you the run around? Want to find out what they’re doing RIGHT NOW?! Don’t make it complicated… track them down with a mountain lion!!! What better way to let Mr. or Ms. Busy know that they’re being rude than to track them to a coffee shop using a large predator! Sweet!
1. Preliminary Step: Store Your Friends’ (and Casual Acquaintances’) Blood
Make a habit of archiving the blood of everyone you know/meet in case you need to find them. This will improve your cougar’s tracking ability tremendously. If someone is being an ass and doesn’t want to give it to you, just be like “well, I won’t be able to find you with a mountain lion if I don’t get it, so… I need it.” And then stab them in the neck or forehead with a needle. Read the rest of this article »
