Useless Ass Blog

If you didn’t catch this, the 2nd most incredibly titled news article EVER (keep reading for numero uno… fo reals, it’s that good), then you should read it, and read it good.

Evidently, Dr. “To Hell With The Consequences, I’m Putting Robot Arms On a Monkey” at the University of Pittsburgh thought it would be a good idea… TO START PUTTING ROBOT ARMS ON MONKEYS!! And has thus set in motion a chain of events that will very likely destroy our civilization. At least, those were my take-aways.

So if you’ve wronged a monkey recently, it might be a good idea to have a good old-fashioned apology letter handy. Here’s a sample to help get you started.

Dear Monkeys:

If you’re reading this, then you probably found my site while navigating the Internets while using your robot arms. It is possible that you found your way here via a Google search, as I rank highly for the search terms “poo”, “dong”, “poo ass” and “Jane Goodall”.

Whilst perusing my site, you may have stumbled upon this post. Or this one. They may have led you to believe that I am not a friend of yours and your brethren, specifically when I suggest to readers that they read to you fake passages from a Jane Goodall autobiography that make her seem as though she’s a dude.

Let me assure you that that is not the case. I wrote those articles in jest while extremely intoxicated. I was also completely unaware that you were slated for bionic enhancements, and was lead astray as to what exactly those enhancements might allow you to do when I read this unfortunately titled article in New Scientist: Monkey’s Brain Signals Control ‘Third Arm’

Not only am I a huge supporter of monkeys and well-versed in monkey issues like poo-flinging arm tendinitis, I am also a non-believer in evolution. Not because I am a creationist, but because I believe that primates are, themselves, fully evolved, and thus we humans are no more an advanced version of primates than this is an advanced version of an umbrella.

I would appreciate your consideration and mercy in the coming “Monkeys with Robot Arms vs. Humans” wars. I think we could find some common ground, and perhaps some time to share a laugh.  Or a banana.

Sincerely,

Danny

How terrified are you of MONKEYS WITH ROBOT ARMS!? Let us know!

Photo Credit: [Erik K Veland]