Useless Ass Blog

If you’ve ever been on vacation in Hawaii or the Caribbean, then you know how difficult it can be to bring a sea turtle home with you. Here are some great tips for navigating the airport and customs with a sea turtle so you don’t have to disappoint a loved one.

1. Preliminary Step – Acquire a Sea Turtle

The best way to acquire a sea turtle is to go on a sea turtle nesting watch tour, which will get you close enough to grab one. Make sure to ask your tour guide lots of important sea turtle questions, like “Is there a good way to know which turtle will be get along best with my dog? Where can I get a new shell if I think that the one it comes with is ugly or it doesn’t really match my decorating style?”

2. Win Over Your Sea Turtle

Your sea turtle may be a little pissed when you first acquire him. Win him over with a great selection of music that he will be likely to dig, like Jack Johnson, Bob Marley and some steel drum tracks.

Be brave and take a chance on a few selections that don’t seem like sea turtle-type music, like the Ying Yang Twins, Mystikal and ODB. You may end up introducing him to something he really likes, which will speed the bonding process.

3. Get Educated

Sea turtles have been around for 200 million years, so make sure to tap into their wisdom by pumping yours for information – “What were the dinosaurs like? Did you think ‘Jurassic Park’ was pretty accurate? Also, were you mad when you were portrayed as surfer stupid in ‘Finding Nemo’?”

4. Attach a Handle

Sea turtles can be difficult to carry, especially at the airport. Try attaching a handle to the side of its shell so you can carry it like a briefcase. If your sea turtle bites someone while you’re carrying him that way, then be like “Sorry, my briefcase is really cranky right now.”

5. Get It To Stop Braying

Sea turtles will bray like a donkey when they are upset. This can be annoying and draw unwanted attention. Try dishing out some country discipline by smacking it lightly on the head and saying “Shhh, stop it. You stop braying right now!” If that doesn’t help, try inducing a food coma by going to the food court and getting him a Cinnabon.

6. Don’t Put “1 Sea Turtle” on the Customs Declaration Form

This is absolutely critical and will lead to unwanted questioning and searches. If you forget and accidentally write it, cross out “1″ and put “0″.

Did we miss anything? What kind of music do you think sea turtles would be into? Comment RIGHT NOW!!!

Photo Credit: [Fred Sharples]