Staying Safe During a Monarch Butterfly Attack
You won’t always know when a wild animal will turn on you, but there are certain things you can do during the first moments of an attack to give yourself a better chance of coming out on top.
Today we’re discussing Monarch butterflies specifically, but the principals outlined below can (and should) be used against almost any animal.
1. Cover Your Cheeks and Forehead
Cease frolicking immediately and get into a defensive position that covers your main vulnerabilities. If your forehead or cheeks are large, you can spread and retract your fingers rapidly to create a windshield wiper effect which will cover more real estate.
Let the butterfly know that the only cheeks that are available for him to flutter his wings against are on your ass.
If he calls your bluff and indicates that he’s fine with that, go 4th grade and start referring to him as gay in as loud a voice as possible. If he gets all “that’s not really an insult to me”, then give him the classic “I know it isn’t, I’m just describing things about you out loud. Like how you’re black and orange and gay and you like to fly around in a gay kind of way”.
This exchange might go on for a long time, but it’s essential that you win it. And also, he probably is gay, so it’s good to be truthful about it, as it helps to break down the barriers of acceptance.
2. Speed-Walk to Safety
An effective and heart-healthy distress beacon, speed-walking is a good way to let people around you know that something is wrong with you. In general.
3. Tranquilo Ese, Tranquilo
Monarchs have serious Latin tempers, especially when they’re fresh from their annual Mexican benders. If you eres un gringo, try to appeal to their heritage by using a mix of shadows, dirt and embarrassing or stormy thoughts to make your face appear darker.
If you can do the Antonio Banderas rapid-fire nix/scolding sound and index finger shake combination ( i.e. “Assassins”, “Desperado”, etc.), now is the time.
Brandishing a churro is not a bad idea, as it will give you Latin credibility. If you get cinnamon sugar in your eyes, have a friend lick them so it does not go to waste. A Gipsy Kings CD can buy you some time. Monarchs aren’t really big Gipsy Kings fans, but the Gipsy Kings performed at Brad and Jenn’s wedding, and a lot of Monarchs have never gotten over that break-up. Use “Bambeleo” or a similar track to create a nostalgic moment that you can use to plot a counter-attack.
4. Hit’em Where It Hurts
Monarchs are a proud species. That’s why a sarcastic dressing-down of their pop culture “accomplishments” can land some devastating blows. Try a well-timed list of “Butterfly Effect” movie review snippets read aloud. Snippets like “If I could go back in time and change things like they do in ‘Butterfly Effect,’ I would make it so that I didn’t sit through this movie” or “the viewer is left to conclude that the ‘Butterfly Effect’ causes little more than boredom and indifference’.” Zing!
Or, while trying to keep a straight face, remind them of their status as the state butterfly of…. West Virginia!! “Woo-wee!!! I be the state butterflea of West Virganeya!!!”
5. Go to Your “In Case of a Monarch Butterfly Attack” Meeting Place
No surprises here. Even if you’re just an occasional visitor to our site, you definitely know our view that you should have a separate meeting place for every type of animal attack. Having just 1 meeting place can create confusion and is kind of boring.
Part of the fun of animal attack is trying to figure out which type of animal is attacking you… and then trying to remember where to go!! It’s like “Aaaah!!! Oh my God, I’m being attacked by a bear!!! Wait, is this a Kodiak or North American Brown?”
Have any grizzled Monarch butterfly attack war stories? Well crack open a cold one and post’er here!!
