What To Do If You Get Caught Masturbating
People have been getting caught m-bating since the caveman/When Jesus Was First Born days. There isn’t a universal solution for dealing with it, but we’ve assembled some tried and true, battle-tested steps into an impromptu guide for getting you from pants down to pants up.
1. Don’t Apologize
If you get caught at someone else’s house, your first instinct may be to apologize. Especially if it’s in a common and/or non-traditional masturbation room, like the kitchen or the master bedroom closet, etc. And especially if you don’t know them.
Don’t. You’ve done nothing wrong, and they’ll just end up feeling insulted. Instead, say something that lets them know that the situation, while regrettable, isn’t entirely your fault. Something like, “This is unfortunate. We have jointly created an uncomfortable situation.”
Or, if you have to apologize, do it in a general way, like “I am sorry that human beings need to masturbate in order to stay healthy.”
2. Maintain Eye Contact
It’s important that you are not the first person to break eye contact. If they’ve flanked you or ambushed you, turn fully around to face them, and give them a firm, but friendly gaze. This will restore you to a position of power and let them know that you’re not going to be cowed into feeling embarrassed.
They may eventually avert or cover their eyes. Allow this to happen, but verbally encourage them to not feel ashamed. You want to turn the tables and establish that although they’ve caught you masturbating, you’ve also caught them catching you masturbate, which is equally if not more embarrassing. It’s important that they understand the 2 perspectives.
3. Smile
It can’t hurt and it will likely put everyone at ease.
4. Set the Mood
If you’re watching porn, turn the volume down to a low level, but make sure not to turn it off. The ideal volume is such that there is complete silence that is occasionally interrupted by vaguely audible moaning and/or slapping sounds.
Lowering the volume is a polite action that will signal that you acknowledge what is going on and you are ready to begin a dialogue. It is good for the porn to remain on as a backdrop to any conversation that occurs, as it will serve as a reminder of the primary purpose for the discussion in case it begins to wander off-topic.
5. Be a Good Listener
Your discoverer may have a lot of things to say when any conversation begins. You should listen intently but do not tolerate rudeness. Remind them that they aren’t mad at you, they’re just mad at the situation. It also helps to try to talk at the same time as them in order to create a sense of confusion. Do this until they say something like “stop talking at the same time as me.”
They may lose control and begin pushing you or throwing things at you. Don’t allow yourself to be shooed. If they start to grab you, it is good to yell, “stop touching me, I’m naked! I’m naked!!” Or substitute “gifted” for naked. After their anger has subsided, ask for a glass of water and some privacy. It is good to use the fake-British pronunciation of privacy ( i.e. “privicy”).
And that’s really all you can do. Or is it? Send us your best “Dealing with Getting Caught While Masturbating” tactics.
