I was quickly reminded of such documents as the United States Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Hammurabi Code, or the “Do unto others as you would have unto you” rule that Confucius and ninety other famous dudes have said. What does 7 Ways to Apologize for Attempting Ass Sex Without Permission have in common with these great, historical, universal truths? Despite being super old and almost forgotten, it is forever relevant.

Thank you, Danny.

Hmmm… which is worse, interesting question. At first I was like “Well, the post is clearly worse, no question. I mean I totally mailed it in on tip #5, the introductory paragraph sounds a little clunky…”

But then I was typing this and I was like “Wait a minute, I am feeling pretty gleeful. Maybe THAT’S worse, because if I were replying without glee (or, listlessly – one of my FAVE words!) to the various comments, then you could argue that I was feeling remorseful over it’s creation.” But since I am replying with glee, I am clearly not remorseful, and perhaps that is worse than the actual post itself.

To be honest, it’s still really a toss-up at this point, I feel no closer to an answer after a few hours worth of thorough ANALysis (CLEVER!).

As to your second sentence, “Get a life AND quit pretending it’s girls you tried to surprise with anal sex”, those are 2 very distinct, lofty goals and I really think that that is a lot to ask of someone via comments on a blog. If you were to revisit your request and select just one of those items, I could begin working on it immediately.

Between you and me though, I really hope you don’t pick “quit pretending it’s girls you try to surprise with anal sex.” I really, really enjoy pretending that, so it will be a huge letdown and will cause me much emotional strife to have to quit it. So, if you care about me at all, please pick “get a life.”

In closing, I would just like to say how awesome I think it is that you entered “dannysgay” as your alias AND “dannysretarted@yahoo.com” as your email address! Because you could’ve just gone for dannysgay and dannysgay@yahoo.com, but you were like “You know what, fuck this guy. I’m putting dannysgay as my alias, AND THEN dannysretarted@yahoo.com as my email. That way he will know that I think he is both retarded and gay, and not just gay, which he could probably deal with. Retarted and gay! How do you like that, asshole!”

Firstly, these ideas are diabolically clever, so I don’t appreciate you insinuating that they would only work on someone who is stupid. Also, I informed all the women I have dated that you think they are stupid and they were very angry and hurt. Most of them can’t speak in a recognizable language, ala Jodie Foster in Nell, but their grunting was a mixture of anger and sadness.

Secondly, it clearly isn’t just a “homo” thing, as you so eloquently put it. Hetero’s were having ass sex waaaaay before homos tried to come sweeping in and claim it was their thing, just like they did with the rainbow, etc. other stuff.

I stand by the historical accuracy of my ass sex post. I hope you can respect that.

Look man, this is my art. You can’t just come blazing in here with your “Navy” and your “holes”. It upsets the delicate balance that is my ass sex post. Shame on you.