15 Things You Can Hide in Your Ass and Not Get Caught (At the Airport and In General)
Tight on luggage space? Worried about what you can and cannot bring onboard? Get rid of the hassle and hide some of your stuff in your ass!
It’s not just for drug mules and it’s easier than you think! Here’s a STARTER LIST of good things to carry onboard… IN YOUR ASS!!
1. Cheez-Its
Uh… DUH! These… are… AWESOME! PLUS, it’s pretty obvious why you would want to hide Cheez-Its in your ass, so if you do get caught, it will only take a very brief explanation to get them to understand what you’re doing – “OHHH, Cheez-Its in your ass, okay. We get it. Carry on.”
2. Haribo Gummi Worms. No Bag.
These are all natural and the only brand sturdy enough to stand up to 3-5 hours in an anus on a plane. No way Trolli brand gummi worms in an ass. No way.
3. Fashion Denim (aka Expensive Jeans)
The last thing you want is grubby airport worker fingers manhandling your fashion denim. Play it safe. Keep your fashion denim in your ass.
4. Micro Machines
Remember these?!?! YES! They’re still cool! And they’re waaay easier to pack in your ass than Matchbox or Hotwheels.
5. Voss (aka “Artesian” Bottled Water)
You’re clearly NOT a poor person. So why would you drink non-luxury water?! Also, these bottles were totally designed for ass storage.
6. Jose Cuervo – BLACK!
Vive Cuervo… BLACK! And cola. It sounds disgusting! And IT IS, so it’s perfect for YOUR ASS!
7. Cigarillos
Is there anything classier you can say on a plane than, “Care for a cigarillo? I just have to wait for the seatbelt sign to be turned off so I can procure them from my ass.”
8. MP3’s
You’re actually allowed to store MP3’s in your ass, so we’re kind of cheating by putting this on a “things you can hide in your ass and not get caught” list. But just in case you didn’t know – MP3’s in ass OK.
9. Sweetened Mini Rice Cakes
A lot of food items on this list, but WOW!! Have you had these?!? They are delicious! Save enough room in there (you know where!) for these for sure.
10. Candy Corn
This is seasonal, clearly, but get sassy and bring some onboard… IN APRIL. The whole cabin will be in stitches!! “Candy corn?? In April?!? This guy is HILARIOUS!!”
11. Left-Handed Safety Scissors
Have you ever tried to cut anything with these things? Impossible! BUT they’re compact AND colorful, and will do in a pinch if anyone onboard has a hankering for arts and crafts.
12. Duvet Cover
Yep, the whole shebang. She’ll fit, just stay diligent.
13. Jesus/Virgin Mary Likeness Crackers
These are amazing. AND DELICIOUS!! But save them for last because they’re good for comforting someone who is afraid of flying. If you eat them right away and someone gets scared, then you’ll have to try and shape a Cheez-It into Jesus, which probably won’t be believable.
14. Highlights Magazine
This is a good one because there’s no way ANYONE is checking your ass for Highlight’s magazine. NO WAY!! You’re golden.
15. Your DARKEST Secrets!
This is really the only safe place to store these. Except if the secrets actually involve your ass. Store those ones in a hope chest.
What ELSE you can hide in your ass!? Tried any of these? Let us know!
Photo Credit: [Stephen Witherden]
