Useless Ass Blog

Looking for some classy help at home? Short on cash? Then why not CONVERT a hobo into a classic ENGLISH BUTLER!! It sounds complicated but it’s SOOO easy. Here’s how!

1. Preliminary Step: Acquire a Hobo

Hobos congregate in different areas depending on the breed. Cruise the rail yards for a classic style or trendy coffee shops for an Ashley Olsen style. We prefer a classic as they are less likely to sass you.

If you do go Ashley Olsen style and are receiving a lot of sassafras, threaten to take away oversized sunglasses privileges.

2. Teach Your Hobo Formal British Diction

If a butler has “hobo diction”, it ruins the ambiance. Work with your hobo on enunciation and managing his shouting. If you’re not getting anywhere after 30 minutes, take away his booze. Don’t be afraid to dish out some tough love:

“Look, quite frankly, this is a mess right now. Your jowls are all over the place and I’m still hearing a lot of that loud breathing/wheezing sound that you said you were going to work on yesterday. I mean, what are we doing here?”

3. Reduce Facial Expression Craziness

This is obviously the most difficult part of any hobo modification. First, try getting him to blink his eyes without gnashing his teeth. Then you can move on to secondary things, like keeping his tongue inside his mouth during serious conversations, and using buy-eyed expressions more selectively.

4. Improve Hygiene

Hand bathing your hobo will teach hygiene and is also good for bonding. Cut through the hobo dirt with a Brillo pad and Dawn. If the bathing is going well, don’t be afraid to join your hobo. But be careful and if he says “my crazy hand is comin’ to getchu”, get out of the tub.

5. Add a Dash of Culture

Hobo’s are generally well traveled, so this shouldn’t be too hard. Teach your hobo the finer points of butlering with terms that are familiar to him. For instance, “A gentleman enjoys a newspaper, or ‘ass napkin’, with his breakfast.”

6. Try a Hobo/Butler Mashup!

This is an awesome alternative to the full-on hobo to butler conversion. Allow the hobo to keep certain hobo elements (i.e. crazy beard and smells) while simultaneously adding in new butler elements ( i.e. formal British diction and a tuxedo with coattails), and voila! You’ve just mixed yourself a “ho-butler” you mixmaster!!

You won’t know what to expect from your ho-butler! Is he going to bring you a hot towel or is he just going to cackle loudly and urinate on himself? Well I guess it’s going to be the urine! Jolly good show ho-butler!!

What are your best hobo conversion tips? Thinking about trying the mash-up? Let us know!

Photo Credit: [slambo_42, monokoroboo loveyaxxx]