Useless Ass Blog

Terrified of Whiteboard Guy BUT jealous of the wicked sweet whiteboard skills he displays? Well what if you could LEARN the keys to stunning dry-erase marker diagrams without getting too creeped out?

Well you could… if you read Useless Ass Blog. It’s not just Diagramming Like the Creepy UPS Whiteboard Guy. It’s Diagramming Like the Creepy UPS Whiteboard Guy with Useless Ass Blog!

1. Make Your Appearance As Sexually Ambiguous As Possible

If you think it’s a coincidence that UPS chose a he-she for their global spokesperson, you’re wrong. People are much more likely to be amazed by your dry-erase skills if they are also amazed at how difficult it is to tell if you’re a guy or a girl.

2. Focus on Hair Care

Hair plays a critical role in #1 above and Whiteboard Guy’s is, in a word, amazing. You probably won’t be able to match his shine and volume even if you use Pantene, but you can narrow the gap by stealing a horse tail (good) or a dark-chocolatey colored lion mane (better) and duct taping it to your head.

3. Do Your Research

Watch as many of these commercials as you can and pay attention to the subtleties. But for God’s sakes, do not tell ANYONE if you start getting aroused. Not even your dog, because your dog could turn out to be like the Bush’s Baked Beans dog (”Duke”), and that might lead to the following awkward exchange:

You: “The only one who knows the secret is Duke, and he’s not telling.”
Duke: “He wants to bone the UPS Whiteboard shemale.”
You: “WHAT?!?”
Duke: “That’s what you just said.”
You: “No… no I DID NOT.”
Duke: “Yeah, you did, because I was like ‘I get creeped out by his soft voice and the way his hair sways while he draws’, and then you were like, ‘Really? Because it kind of makes me want to bone him… her… doesn’t matter. Just as long as it happens.’”

4. Steady Your Hands

You cannot draw amazing and meaningful dry-erase diagrams without good balance. Practice steadying yourself by hugging a friend who has a palsy while you draw. This can be more motivational if they sing the Postal Service’s “Such Great Heights” song in a falsetto voice while you’re hugging them.

5. Learn Whiteboard Guy’s Topic Introduction Method (i.e. “Alright… Early Morning Delivery.”)

“Okay. Learning Whiteboard Guy’s Topic Introduction Method.” See what we just did!?! YES, it’s that easy!! Just say “Alright” or “Okay” in a commanding but subtle voice, followed by a quick summary of your topic.

For practice, try responding to questions with a quick SUMMARY of how you’re feeling rather than an answer.

For instance, if a friend says “Do you want to see my cat do his dance again!?”, then you can say “Alright. Faking an Illness So You Can Leave a Nutcase’s Apartment.”

Or, if your girlfriend says “Can you believe she said that?! I CAN’T believe she said that!” then you can say “Okay. Feigning Interest to Prevent Ruining Chances For Sex Later.”

Have insider info on Whiteboard Guy’s hair? Share it here!!