Useless Ass Blog

Going to the dentist can be boring and expensive. Crank up the fun factor with these GREAT TIPS!!!

1. Request Laughing Gas. Frequently.

Laughing gas is the chips and salsa of the dental office. Refills are technically free, but you have to stay on their case and ignore the dirty looks in order to get your fill. Start asking for gas when you first check in with the receptionist - “Hi I have an appointment today and I would like some gas please while I’m waiting.”

And if the receptionist is like “We don’t usually give people gas while they’re waiting”, then you should reply “Well I don’t usually tolerate lip from someone who went to trade school, so I guess we’re both growing. Now get me the gas.”

2. Marginalize Your Dentist

Dentists can be self-conscious about their status within the medical community. Find clever ways to belittle them by questioning their diagnoses, like “I don’t know if that’s correct. When I take my dog to the veterinarian, she says…” or “That sounds kind of fishy. Let me just run that by my chiropractor.”

3. Put Your Dentist on Over-Protective Suicide Watch

Dentists are often suicidal, so give them a great big bear hug and rock them gently when they first walk in. Make sure to check in on them every few seconds to verify that they’re still okay, like “Are you going to kill yourself? What about now?”

4. Request Inappropriate Care

This is a great icebreaker! Remove your pants and underwear while you’re in the dentist chair waiting for your dentist. When they arrive and ask what you’re doing, say “Well, I had to wait a long time in reception, so I was hoping you could take a look at this too. You kind of owe me.” Then initiate the bear hug sequence mentioned above.

5. For the Ladies… Who are Dentists

If you have a female dentist, try saying “Oh, I’m sorry, the other hygienist has already cleaned my teeth” when she enters the room. After she explains that she’s a dentist and not a hygienist, smooth things over by telling her the brain teaser about the boy who is rushed to the emergency room after his father has died, and the doctor won’t operate on the boy because “he is my son”.

After you tell it, be like “Get it?!? The doctor is a SHE!!! Isn’t that one crazy difficult?!? It took me like an hour to figure it out.”

6. Trim Your Dentist’s Nose Hair

Dentists are required to have Medusa-like nose hair. But you don’t have to put up with it! Bring an electric nose hair trimmer and safety goggles and give them a quick trim as they lean over your face. Preface it by saying “You might feel a little bit of discomfort” before haphazardly jamming the trimmer into their nose.

Did we miss anything? Are you a dentist? Let us know!!

[Photo Credit: Seth W.]