Useless Ass Blog

Is someone giving you the run around? Want to find out what they’re doing RIGHT NOW?! Don’t make it complicated… track them down with a mountain lion!!! What better way to let Mr. or Ms. Busy know that they’re being rude than to track them to a coffee shop using a large predator! Sweet!

1. Preliminary Step: Store Your Friends’ (and Casual Acquaintances’) Blood

Make a habit of archiving the blood of everyone you know/meet in case you need to find them. This will improve your cougar’s tracking ability tremendously. If someone is being an ass and doesn’t want to give it to you, just be like “well, I won’t be able to find you with a mountain lion if I don’t get it, so… I need it.” And then stab them in the neck or forehead with a needle.

2. Acquire a Mountain Lion

After your blood bank is up and running, you’ll need a cougar. Try PetSmart, Petland, or just wander into a dense forest clutching a wounded baby goat.

3. Provide Motivation

If your cougar is feeling docile, he will lack focus. Tweak his competitive side by not feeding him for a few days. Also, try spending a few hours a day next to his cage cycling through all the ringtones on your phone.

Also, repeatedly ask him if he’s interested in going to a “cougar bar” and getting sauced on Pinot Grigios. He probably will be.

4. Dress the Part

We’ll go ahead say that this part is optional, but it’s not really. Having a primitive-type viking horn for sounding your arrival is seriously cool, but don’t go too flashy with your attire. Just some extremely tight pants with no shirt and a dickey, and maybe a hat with a fedora.

5. But Do Not Wear Mountain Lion Urine Cologne

Big, big mistake. We really can’t stress this one enough.

6. Happy Hunting!

Mountain lions work fast, so have a cool opening line prepared for when you first confront your rude friend/acquaintance. Like “You weren’t returning my calls, so I tracked you down with a mountain lion! WHO’S CRAZY NOW?!”

Have any mountain lion motivation techniques? Spent some time in a cougar bar recently? Let us know!

[Photo Credit: ucumari]