Useless Ass Blog

If you own a chimp, then you know how annoying they can be. Grrrr!!! But don’t just get mad, get even! Today we’re discussing the 5 best ways to get revenge on a chimpanzee.

1. Take and Distribute Pictures of His Ass

Chimps are extremely self-conscious when it comes to their asses. And with good reason. So take advantage, by snapping some choice pics and posting them around the neighborhood. A Polaroid camera has the added benefit of being loud and scary sounding.

2. Blame Him For AIDS

Chimps are sensitive about their role in the origins of AIDS, so take every opportunity to steer a conversation in that direction. For instance, “Wow, that’s really interesting Paku. Hey, by the way, thanks a lot for the AIDS!!”

3. Force Him to Watch Michael Crichton’s “Congo”

This works well against humans too, but it’s especially effective on primates. A few hours worth of “Tickle, Amy, Amy like Tickle” will have him rattling his cage for mercy.

4. Poke Him With a Stick

It’s basic, but we guarantee he will hate it.

5. Insist That Jane Goodall is a Dude

Your chimp is probably a pretty big Jane Goodall fan, so this is guaranteed to drive him crazy. Listen intently to his arguments to the contrary, but always respond with “No, I’m pretty sure Jane Goodall is a dude”.

Backup your theory by reading fake passages from a Jane Goodall book that clearly identify her as a guy, like “I was fiddling with my mustache when one of the large apes, Bongo, accidentally tagged me in the balls. I doubled over in pain, feeling the coarse hair on my back and ass crack begin to stand up on end.”

How do you deal with your chimp when he makes you mad? Let us know!

[Photo Credit: dboy]