Improve Your Mood by Stealing a Puppy!
Down in the dumps? Then take some drastic action to change your mood today… by stealing yourself a PUPPY!!!! Hooray!!!!!!
Adopt a Native American Land Ownership Philosophy Towards Puppies
Puppies, much like land, really belong to everyone. That is why if you see someone on the street with a puppy, you are allowed to hold them up for as long as you want in order to pet it. Because it’s yours. And mine. And EVERYONE’S!! Except for the poop part. That part is just yours.
So go getch-yaself one son. Right now! But don’t be too picky or indecisive. If you are repeatedly grabbing dogs and running, only to return them after a few feet, you will arouse suspicion. You can only play the “I just wanted to demonstrate the importance of keeping an eye on your dog at all times” card so many times. Probably only 5 times within the same 30 ft. radius.
But Don’t Be a Native American Giver
You can’t get mad if someone steals your puppy too. That’s not fair. But you can discourage it from happening by saying “careful, he has rabies” every time someone gets near it. A small scoop of peanut butter in his mouth will enhance the threat by unleashing the drool-hounds of war!!!!
You can also enhance it by making a “grrrrr” sound, softly, underneath your breath. If someone calls you out on it and is all like “you’re the one making the ‘grrr’ sound, I just heard you”, shove the puppy in their face and repeat the “careful, he has rabies” phrase, but do it more forcefully this time.
The Native American Paragraph Title Theme Has Run Dry
If the cops are hot on your tail (or hot on the puppy’s! Awwwww, lil’ waggity tail!!!), allow the dog’s keen sense of smell to guide you to safety. And by to safety, I mean to a strip club. Do you have any idea how popular you will be in a strip club if you are carrying a puppy? Plus, strip clubs are like the underground railroad of the collective puppy ownership movement.
Trust the dog to get you there, but verify that he knows where he’s going. You don’t want to end up spending half an hour searching the side of a fire hydrant for a strip club entrance. But if it turns out that there actually is a strip club inside that fire hydrant, then definitely give the dog a biscuit. Or at least get him a dance.
Got a puppy thievin’ tip or a Native American-Themed title for that 3rd paragraph? Please share here!
[Photo credit: Kuku Pumuki]
