Useless Ass Blog

If you didn’t catch this, the 2nd most incredibly titled news article EVER (keep reading for numero uno… fo reals, it’s that good), then you should read it, and read it good.

Evidently, Dr. “To Hell With The Consequences, I’m Putting Robot Arms On a Monkey” at the University of Pittsburgh thought it would be a good idea… TO START PUTTING ROBOT ARMS ON MONKEYS!! And has thus set in motion a chain of events that will very likely destroy our civilization. At least, those were my take-aways.

So if you’ve wronged a monkey recently, it might be a good idea to have a good old-fashioned apology letter handy. Here’s a sample to help get you started.

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Looking for some classy help at home? Short on cash? Then why not CONVERT a hobo into a classic ENGLISH BUTLER!! It sounds complicated but it’s SOOO easy. Here’s how!

1. Preliminary Step: Acquire a Hobo

Hobos congregate in different areas depending on the breed. Cruise the rail yards for a classic style or trendy coffee shops for an Ashley Olsen style. We prefer a classic as they are less likely to sass you.

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If you’re strapped for cash or time, then dog grooming can find it’s way to the end of your errand list. Here are 3 totally painless and SUPER effective ways to get it done!

1. Use Febreeze

Febreeze is like a “Mexican Shower” for your furniture, so if your dog has dark colored fur and/or is sometimes used as an ottoman, then this is a great alternative to full-on bathings. If you’re fresh out of Febreeze, try giving your dog a quick rub-down with some dryer sheets like Bounce or try sprinkling him/her with a few packets of Splenda. Splenda doesn’t have any scent, but your dog will appreciate the sweetness, which will result in more frequent self-groomings.

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Some dating mistakes are impossible to recover from, especially for guys. Gentlemen, here are some ROCK SOLID tips on what to avoid doing on a date and the absolute best ways to do it.

1. Forgetting to Bring a Corsage

Your date may not say it, but she will be disappointed if you don’t bring her a corsage. If you forget, try and rig a corsage out of items on the floor of your car. With the right skills and an unwrapped Jolly Rancher, a dirty penny and a soccer sock, she will probably not be able to tell the difference.

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Looking for some SUPER useful insider tips for getting WAAAY more out of your next warehouse club trip? Read on!

Inquire About the Trampoline

The trampoline is by far the COOLEST and most important thing you can buy at a warehouse club, so create buzz for yourself by loudly announcing that you want to purchase one - “I need someone to retrieve the trampoline from the wall please. Yep, thinking about buying the trampoline today.”

Demonstrate that you’re a serious buyer by asking “in the know” trampoline questions - “Is ‘vigorous’ a word that describes the level of boob jiggling experienced by girls who use this particular model? What amount of air should a bear expect to get if it falls onto it from a tree? Additionally, what are my chances for setting a world record if I use this model on a Japanese game show?”

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If you’ve ever been on vacation in Hawaii or the Caribbean, then you know how difficult it can be to bring a sea turtle home with you. Here are some great tips for navigating the airport and customs with a sea turtle so you don’t have to disappoint a loved one.

1. Preliminary Step - Acquire a Sea Turtle

The best way to acquire a sea turtle is to go on a sea turtle nesting watch tour, which will get you close enough to grab one. Make sure to ask your tour guide lots of important sea turtle questions, like “Is there a good way to know which turtle will be get along best with my dog? Where can I get a new shell if I think that the one it comes with is ugly or it doesn’t really match my decorating style?”

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If you have an LOLdong (a dong that is small or otherwise hilarious), it can make you feel ashamed or unable to succeed in business. Here are some things you can do to help yourself feel better and to help compensate.

1. Add A Caption

Like with LOLcats, adding a caption to your LOLdong in the form of a sign or a note is a good way to embrace it and turn it into a positive that makes people smile - “HIDIN’, IZ DOIN IT”, “I IZ TINY BUT BOOTIFUL” or “OH HAI, I IZ IMPRESSD U FOUN MEEZ.”

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Cheetos (a.k.a. Cheezies, Tasties, Wotsits) can be used to resolve a wide variety of tough situations, like getting revenge on an a-hole at the laundromat or dealing with snoring fat guys on an airplane. But be careful. You can become overconfident in your Cheetos conflict resolution skills. Here are some scenarios that require more creative Cheetos solutions.

Assisting Someone Who is Choking on Cheetos

It can be very difficult to help someone who is choking on Cheetos with… Cheetos. But don’t get discouraged! Try holding a Cheeto in each hand and waving them like airline runway personnel to signal for help. You can also crunch them loudly which will draw attention.

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Dating can be expensive. People who survive and thrive in a recession are those who learn to adapt and minimize costs. Here are some great ways to cut the costs of dating without cheapening the experience for your date.

1. Set an Inexpensive Tone

You can set an inexpensive tone for your date through your dress and through your attitude. Sweatpants and no shirt will signal that you’re feeling thrifty. If that’s too casual, then throw on a bow tie or your most formal pair of Crocs.

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Nowadays, girls are very protective of their asses which can be annoying. If it’s your girlfriend who’s being protective, you may become frustrated and want to shortcut the process by just going for it. This is understandable but will make some girls mad. Here are some things you can say that can help make your girlfriend less mad.

1. “I’m sorry we had a misunderstanding. Both of us should commit to communicating better.”

When a girl gets mad due to ass sex, it’s usually the result of a misunderstanding or a general confusion about each other’s personal goals. This is a courteous way to remind her that both people are to blame when a miscommunication occurs. You are acknowledging this shared responsibility and laying out a roadmap to get your relationship back on track.

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